Gina, Jordan, and Brandon……!!!!

Wednesday May 21, 2008

“Quiet on the Set”
Tape 200 Scene 69
……And…
“ACTION!”
“CUT, CUT, CUT!”
“You are supposed to be just the way I think a Gay man should be!”

WOW! That is almost the best way to describe my revelation and awakening, to the way which my choices I have made on the direction and path I walked got me to this point today.

I must say, that the glitter, glamour, and fluffiness was not of my making, but the foundation which mislead me and co-created the unhealthy and IDIOTIC, IMMATURE and worst decision I have made in my life as of today. The media, the porn, the hot tall dark and OMG Guys on the Front Cover of the Entire Magazine rack are sadly and perhaps unaware of the deceptional impact it has on ANY HUMAN BEING.

Whether a male or female, boy or a girl, a jerk or a “Miss Perfect” or a Husband and Wife; who have the most wanted life with two beautiful, smart, healthy children; end up divided and disconnected to the family because one or the other is in a identity pot hole and is easily influenced by the shine and shimmer and the dreamy cloud of a saucy life with peeps and those who die to be in those designer shoes….OHHH wait I bought these at a yard sale for 15 cents! Yeahhh, whatever! It’s not really, in my opinion, what it’s all programmed and conditioned to be.

I REGRET, AND AM SO SORRY AND ASHAMED – for choosing the life of the “flaming, glossy-lipped, cracked-out Homo”, over the most shining and sought out gift of being in the lives of Gina, Jordan and Brandon (better known as BR567!)…LOL. It’s a little inside thing for you Gina!

I allowed the infective, decomposing and disgusting ulcer of my rollercoaster dramatized, uncouth, dishonest, downward spiral journey which I am responsible for creating and live with this space which I gave to them empty short and undoubtedly missed space that I am hoping that will be slowly filled by their own choices to give me one more chance to be at least blessed and honored as well as Respectfully allowed to have a essence of reconnect and if it just so happens to be available and offered an active healthy part in their lives again. I made them promises when they were little and vulnerable to the unhealthy additives and effects which are influential from the actions that the parents make and act upon for their development and mental health development simply because I was to fucking spun out or worried that I was not going to be hooking up with the most talked about guy in Arizona and therefore forgetting to go pick them up for a weekend with Dad….which I was given if I recall correctly multiple second chances to redeem my self and correct the negative which at the time began the seed planting for the “Yeah sure Dad. We will believe it when we see it” attitude I had deserved and truly earned. I was afraid to step-up-to-the-plate of parental responsibility, owning and admitting to my fuck up and then redirecting the focus to be on my children and the most nonjudgmental and very approachable beautiful mother who could have helped me; instead of me pushing my way as well as co-pushing the availability and trust and I can forget the respect they once gave to me out the door and straight to the pile of shit that the flies would avoid flying around.

“WAY TO GO SUPER GAY TWEEKER CHRISTOPHER!!!”

However, I must put the dramatic ideology away because that was part of the unhealthy tools I needed to retire and have now acquired the tool of “Awareness, Self Rediscovery, Redevelopment and Baby Steps” that are OK to take, as long as it is in the direction for positive strong rooted growth.

I am happily partnered with my baby Mark and it would be the most illuminating gift I could ever ask for to introduce this magnificent man who has stood by my side through the “weed whacking” part of self discovery I have put him through and to give him the opportunity to meet the three people whom I long for daily. He is very much aware and supportive of my step-up, which I am proudly attempting today. I am mentally a little bent and not on the normal page of things but hell I don’t think any medication or shrink could put me there today thanks to my prenatal, chemical influential big part of why I like addictive things like drugs to my mother who god bless her had a spun out and may add over due me being delivered cuz we both were to cracked out to realize my number was called and skipped….oops…. It’s all good though……hey!…………….

Yes, your DAD (if I can re-earn the title), is still crazy and multipersonality driven as I have always been with the only change of I am here now asking for your forgiveness for my stupid behavior with the guarantee of re-grown and fertilized by my baby and our love and unconditional love which has helped me become the healthy and responsible and “ohhh so wanting my babies back,” Yes, Genie Beanie! This includes you with no doubt in our life and you can take the baby steps you need to take to allow me to earn and deserve you guys today!

I am here. I am aware.

I am extending my life to you.

Forever and always; or for as long as you want me to be your Dad again! I am asking a whole lot and OMG am I ready for the “Go to Hell” possible answer! But I am praying and chanting and calling upon all these people in my head to congregate and give me the chance to hear, “OK Dad. When you want to go to lunch?” …I’ll pay….promise!

So, I leave to the Universe and to you my Loves…..

Think about it.

Weigh it.

Give it to me straight.

I can only give to you “me”, and the honest, authentic man I am today. With a blind, “Trust me!” attached.

602-795-7080 is my home phone number, and the phone is here in my hand. My email is always groovydudeaz@yahoo.com or even the hotmail address which I am going to be transitioning all my emails through soon.

Mark’s email address is azmts@hotmail.com or groovydudesdude@yahoo.com.

We can IM if you want to. Mark usually is the more patient one and most likely to be online more so please do not be afraid to send him an IM. He knows that I am eagerly anticipating your contact which I pray will happen…. OK, I am done. I will close my mouth and go make a cake with pretty flowers on it like I use to do all the time!

Respectfully yours,

Christopher Dale Eshenbaugh
Once known as Dad!

The Gossip Express – You’re On Board Whether You Know It or Not

To Thine Own Self Be True

 

This One Is A Touchy Subject

May Even Strike That Nerve

The Only One You Apparently Have

Or So I’ve Heard

Through The Vast Endeavors

Of The He Said She Said Crowd

Oh My God You’re The Talk Of The Town

Like A Novel One Can’t Put Down

On The Best Sellers List It Cuts Like A Knife

I Had No Idea You’d Been Infested With Lice

The Kind That Is Resistant To That Smelly Shampoo

So How Did They Get The Bugs Off Of You

Oh It Doesn’t Matter It’s None Of My Business

But Before You Bolt Out That Door

I Over Heard That You’ve Been Arrested Before

Oh I Hope It Wasn’t For Murder Or Kidnapping A Kid

From It’s Mother But I Do Want To Hear

How You Went To Town

Sucking And Jerking

Did They Hold You Down?

I Can See It All In My Head

I Am Getting Al Hot And Sweaty

Oh How Stupid Of Me To Bring Up

Jail I’m Sure It’s Depressing…

But A Friend Of Mine

He And I Were Discussing

How You Need To Change Your Ways

Maybe Go Incognito Or You Know Something

Along Those Lines Not The Kind You Snort Through A Straw

These Kind Are Pretend To Help You Along

You Also Need To Change Your Hood

Cuz They Are Tired Of You Chopping Wood

This Is What That Bitch Said Any Who

You Know That One Chick

She Is Usually All Over You

Like Flies Attracted To

A Pile Of

Yoo-Hoo Come Over Here

And Say Hello

I Hope You Weren’t Getting Ready To Go

Ohh God Its Been So Long

Almost As Long As That

Dudes Shlong…I Am So Sure

Hey Hasn’t He Hooked Up With You

Like Last Week Or Wait It Wasn’t You

He Was Talking About A Way Hotter Dude

Oh Rumor Has It You Got Clap

Does It Turn A Lamp….Ok I Need To Shut My Mouth

It’s Not Funny To You Right Now

But Everybody Done Told Anybody

Who Talked To Somebody In This Town

And Let Me Ask You One More Thing

You Can Say Butt Out Or Get Away From Me

If I Could Just Ask A Personal Thing

I Was Told By A Friend Of A Friend

Who Was Once Removed Physically

From The House Next Door

Who Had Hooked Up With Some

Really Loose Whore

I’m Not Quite Sure Where The Whole Thing Began

But This Dude I Think His Name Is Stan

Or Dan Or Could Be Like Bran… Don’t You Just

Hate That When You Mind Starts Slowing Down

Then Names For Me Are Inevitably Or Uninviting No

God You Know What I Am Trying To Say

Hey Wait Why Are You Walking Away

Oh My God He Is So Rude

I Asked Him Question

To See If He Would Tell The Truth

Nasty Bitch Anyway So I’ve Heard

Don’t You Know He Fucks Birds

Ok Change The Subject Poof Its Done

Ok Girl I Am Sorry But I Gotta To Run

See You Later

Call Me Sometime

I Got Story About Your Mans Behind

Ohhh You Got To Know

About That Abnormal Growth

Just Tell Me That He Doesn’t Say

Come Pop My Zits On My Ass You Ready

I Bet You Do It Since He’s Your Baby

Wash Your Hands In Bleach I Say

Ok I Don’t Want To Be Rude

For Reals Tho I Got To Jet

Catch You Next Time

On The Gossip Express……

 

 

She’s a Wonder….Wonder Woman

 

I love that song… you know…the Wonder Woman opening and closing credits. I am going to admit to the entire world or at least to those that happen to read my first blog on Word Press, I was and still am a loyal fan and one day might be privileged to meet my childhood hero my idol Lynda Carter. I looked up to her and was determined to somehow, someway be transformed into the Amazon Princess and have the same powers and ability she has had on the screen.

 

I was so addicted to becoming Wonder Woman that when the girl who lived across the way from us (Rachel) wanted to play I would literally beat her up if she even dared to whisper the idea of her being the leading lady. I remember the one Halloween my Mom went against my Dad’s warning of allowing me to get the Wonder Woman Costume I was suppose to keep it between my mom and me however my dream was closer to becoming true and I wore that outfit proudly……..out in the front yard. As I was landing my jump out of the tree my Dad pulled into the dirt drive way…beat red and fuming like a steam engine. I put my butt into super speed run and was not as fast as my dads speeding bullet (his deep angry loud yell)

 

“DOROTHY….WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING LETTING MY BOY DRESS UP LIKE A BROAD AND IN THE FRONT OF THE HOUSE!!!!??” “You just watch and see when he grows up he’s going to be one of tho0se queer boys at the YMCA”

 

OK so I must confess I have never been to a YMCA as a kid or an adult….so one out of 2 ain’t so bad dad! The whole point of my recapping is to make a point. I grew up with the role model every man desired but my reason for idolizing her was not that of sexual lust but the fact that she stood up for the people that needed a friend, a protector, a hero. She lived with ability to love everyone even those that some think don’t deserve love. Honesty was a weapon against wrong doers and she had the lasso to make any liar tell the truth.

 

She stood for Truth, Justice and Equality as well as proving to the womanizers of the world that she can hold her own and do the same thing any man could do. She always had the time to give a smile and to greet a stranger with politeness, courteously and just plain manners. She fought for the rights of humanity with a breast plate resembling a bald eagle or perhaps it symbolized the spiritual guide that she was given at birth, the stars which was worn was the symbol of her driving force the goals and ambitions that she was going to achieve, the bracelets which was derived from the “feminine” which was only produced on Paradise Island cupped her wrists as shields against bullets that was shot at her. I see them as non prisoner type symbol a reminder that a person is committed to thine Own Self and to thine’s own Growth.

 

Not chained to anything or anyone but bound and protected by ones own ability, knowledge, experience and dedication to their life’s journey. Red White and Blue was the three colors that she proudly wore and the symbolic meaning for that is simple……..FREEDOM! Free to be ones own self without being afraid or ashamed embarrassed or humiliated. Free to become the person that you strive to be Free to choose the directions and choices you face along with the Freedom to make mistakes and to learn from them, Freedom to stumble and fall before you learn how to stand and walk Freedom to be YOU!

WOW…..She sure was a Wonder Woman

Thank You for being part of my development and growth and the Man I have grown to be today! So any-chance I could borrow that outfit…..I didn’t think so……………….!